Talking to a person this evening who floats between being my biggest inspiration for feeling horny and being my worst enemy this evening I discovered that I don’t really know what turns me on anymore. Matt is a fairly strange guy when it comes to his approach to me. I have blown him off (in the social sense) so many times that he probably should have stopped talking to me a long time ago, but yet he keeps coming back. Also, I don’t know how many times I have promised him bondage pictures, but have failed to deliver, I don’t know why, usually they are fun to take. Our conversations usually go from social to playful, and not much above that, but tonight the conversation seems to have gone more serious. A few days ago I freaked out on him, since he told me he was in the area and wanted to come over and play with (or abduct, I don’t remember the specifics), and I absolutely freaked out. Turned out he was testing me to see how I would react. I reacted in a not good way, I panicked at the thought, which is part of what spurred tonight’s conversation. We discussed a variety of things including what it is that I want when it comes to things that excite me. In general I am a little hard to excite in any serious way lately, so it took some thought. I decided that since my interests are so difficult, that looking at my old list of interests that I keep on this site would result in a null response. Not the case at all, all of them seemed to interest me, but I kept reading the list and thinking about the intensity of the situations where they would excite me and the type of relationship I would need to have with the guy for the feelings to apply. It has been too long since I have managed to do anything fetish, bondage or sexually related that really mattered to me. I get turned on by my shoes and boots, but I am having difficulty with getting the feelings together for it to work out with others. I guess because with mine I know that it is just about the shoes, but with others, it involves their shoes and their feelings, views of me, and how I relate to them. Another issue with others seems to be the fact that they are too easily accessible. The interactions I have are situations where the person will not resist me doing it, nor will the person force me to do it, leaving me in a spot of absolutely allowed, but I don’t have to, which lowers the erotic feeling quite a bit. In a lot of situations I feel like I have to have some other context for doing things, whether modeling for photos, or experimenting with new equipment or shoes, for me to be able to relax and go with it. I suppose it comes down to I don’t do a lot of things because there seems to be no point (since no one actively wants me to engage in those activities), and my own interest in them is not enough to justify doing something.
“Sneaker Bitch” doesn’t seem to fit anymore, but I do not have a well conceived identity for myself at this point. I need to discover who I am sexually.